we never learn
by cosmicdazel
Summary: "Hey, weren't him and Shinsou friends?" "Right! Shinsou? Did you know about Kaminari?" "Did you know about all the thing he's done?" "Did you knowー?" "Did you knowー?" "Did youー?"


When he heard those words for the first time, Hitoshi was in the middle of a class. He was hardly listening to his classmates or to their history teacher, doodling what looked like a hybrid of cat and kangaroo instead.

"Haven't you heard?"

Hitoshi didn't use to listen to gossipsーthey provided him nothing and it was an absurd poor excuse of a hobby. There was something about the whispers today, however, that made them hard to just ignore. The sea of voices, most often calm, now it waved and paved its way to a storm.

"Kaminari. From 2-A?"

He didn't turn around to ask. Perhaps he would have had it been four days ago. Those last days, things with Kaminari had been difficult. It is difficult to deal with something you don't have. Kaminari ignored every message and turned down all suggestions of hanging out, and he was all frigid words and forced smiles. Overnight, he had gone too, too far away for Hitoshi to reach.

He was so scared of asking he didn't.

"Yeah, I know him. What?"

"Turns out he had been working for the League of Villains all along!"

"Are you serious?!"

"Unbelievable! I feel kind of a fool... I thought he was a cool guy."

"And we barely knew him; I can't even imagine how are his friends feeling right now."

"I would be pretty pissed off. Who wouldn't?"

"So do you know what are they going to do to him now?"

"Well, they have to _find_ him first."

"Hey, weren't him and Shinsou friends?"

"Right! Shinsou? Did you know about Kaminari?"

"Did you know about all the thing he's done?"

"Did you knowー?"

"Did you knowー?"

"Did youー?"

Hitoshi shook his head gently, and it was enough to make the questions stop.

But he didn't want to do that.

His fists were shaking and his nails were leaving marks on his flesh, his heartbeat pounded in his head and still he could hear everyone so clearly it hurt. He wanted it to stopーsnap the pen he was holding, kick the desk aside, stand up and shouting that no, he didn't fucking _know_.

But you can't always do what you want. Hitoshi knew that better than anyone.

He asked Aizawa about it. He, bold as none else, ignored the question and notified him that they had accepted his application to be translated to the hero course at last. He didn't look that happy about it. Hitoshi probably wasn't either.

He wanted to ask the class 2-A, but they were not especially receptive. They carried a heavy and gloomy demeanor wherever they went, walking with their feet glued to the floor and their eyes lost. It was bringing the whole school down. They almost didn't talk to each other anymore (and when they did, they seemed to talk to the air and without thinking too much, as if they were strangers), except for Katsuki Bakugou, whose death threats to Kaminari had been heard far and wide. They stuck to Hitoshi's head like one of those catchy songs he hated to like. He replayed them often, with a grimace.

At some point, the uncertainty grew unbearable and he went to ask the 2-B guys. They didn't know more than him, though Monoma didn't think twice before giving his opinion. Hitoshi didn't think twice either before punching him in the face.

Seeing everyone was slowly getting trapped in a dome of misery, the principal gave everyone some free days. Hitoshi smiled at it. Well, metaphorically. Even if Denki Kaminari had not been in everyone's mouthsーwhich he wasー, he was still inside his head. Memories and feelings and grudges were mixing and resonating louder than anything else. Then again, he was quite used to Kaminari giving him headaches and keeping him up at nights.

The second day of his little holidays, Hitoshi decided isolation was too tiring and went for a walk. He breathed in the warm air of a summer evening. The sun was almost hidden behind the buildings and the sky was dyed pink. The streetlights had been just lit and they didn't throw too much glow. Hitoshi noticed it in his weak shadow each time he looked at his worn out shoes.

The first time he walked this path he was hesitant and stopped on his tracks every ten steps. Now his feet moved by their own and Hitoshi sometimes didn't realize it. Sometimes it was like he was the one being brainwashed.

When he walked around the corner of the alley, the bitter green eyes of a stray cat greeted him. Hitoshi didn't even know eyes could be bitter, but Spike's wereーwhen he looked at him too much, he always ended up making a weird face, like when he licked a lemon.

Spike never let anyone caress him, yet he always meowed at the sight of them. (Kaminari called him Spike. He said his fur was pretty spiky, not that he had ever touched him). Hitoshi threw half a vegetal sandwich to his paws and let him eat alone.

The alley was a dead end. That's what it seemed at a first look. If you got closer, though (let's suppose because you are the main character of a movie being chased by villains), you would see a convenient crack through which you could slip. It was somewhat narrowーsomeday Hitoshi wouldn't fit.

He ended up in a tiny enclosure boxed by four buildings. At some time it had to be the rear exit of a local, but now that door was closed shut. There was hardly anything of interest in there: some dusty boxes that sometimes worked as furniture, a couple of cushion and leftovers of food envelops. It wasn't much, but Hitoshi had come to feel at home, a place where he could shelter.

How ironic was, then, that the thing from which he wanted to run away the most was just in front of him?

"I knew you were here," he said, despite all. Because he _knew_ it. A not too deep part of him knew it, and a very shallow part of him expected it.

Kaminari looked up at him from the spot between two boxes where he was secluded. Under the black hoodie he wore, Hitoshi saw he had dyed his hair brown. The first thing his pursuers were going to notice was his blonde hair. It was a logical measurement, even for...

Fuck.

Hitoshi hated brunet hair.

(He wanted to say, 'it was a logical measurement, even for Kaminari'. But he couldn't say that anymore. He didn't know what was usual in Kaminari. He didn't know Kaminari.)

"Why did you come, then? Miss me?" he said, with a sly smile that did not reach his eyes. Maybe that's the only reason Hitoshi didn't kick his face.

He didn't move from his spot at all, for that matter.

"I don't know," he replied as he shrugged. "Days do crawl slower, but I'm not the only one. It's hard to think about anything else when you find out one of your friends is the traitor who has been fucking everything up, you know what I mean?"

Kaminari clenched his jaw before opening it, but then he pursed his lips in a thin line. He didn't stop looking at Hitoshi, thoughーwhich he believed was important, but most likely wasn't, because Kaminari always looked at everyone in the eye.

Hitoshi then tilted his head to a side. "What? Are you afraid to speak? Do you think I'm going to brainwash you into turning yourself in?" What had been a mocking voice, on the verge of being sympathetic, suddenly had turned into a cold, sharp hiss. "Do you think I would do that?"

_Do you think I'm like you?_

Kaminari shifted a bit on the ground and cleaned his dusty palms on his pants. It was obvious embarrassment was getting to him and making his ears flush. Even now, it was cute and amusing to see.

"No."

His mouth was dry. Hitoshi could tell it for the way he licked his lips and swallowed as if he was trying to eat a pool ball. Kaminari always rambled so much he often had to stop and take a sip of water.

Hitoshi's mouth went dry all of sudden, too.

He could have done it, without a hitch. He could have brainwashed Kaminari, and he could have been the one who caught the heinous traitor of the U.A. It could have given his lacking hero career a good boost.

He could have done it.

"Let me ask you something..." he said as he walked in front of Kaminari.

"Is it 'Why would you do this? Why would you work with the villains after all we've been through together?'" he questioned in a harsh tone. Those words didn't feel his, but the sorrow had been perfectly mimicked. "Believe me, man, you don't want to hear my reasons."

That was true. He didn't.

"No." He gave a step forward; the distance between them wasn't short yet, but they both agreed in silence that it was enough. "Why would you befriend me? To me, it seems like you just wasted precious time of your mission."

It had been bugging Hitoshi from the very first moment, like a buzzing insect inside his head that couldn't figure its way out. Hitoshi had no connection whatsoever with the hero course, he wouldn't have been of any use. It was illogical, so absurd Hitoshi forced himself to believe there was an ultimate motivation. There were so many better options, yet Kaminari decided to stick with him. _Him_.

All those months Kaminari spent in breaking down Hitoshi's carefully built walls. Forcing him into a friendship he could not escape from even if he wanted. Those wasted hours talking about things they forgot within minutes. The laughs, and the smiles. The fact that he, unwillingly or not, became one of the pillars of Hitoshi's live. All for what? Just so then he could make him feel this empty?

Kaminari just shrugged everything off, his honey eyes spilled into the pavement.

"I just liked you," he said. "I... don't know how to explain it, I really don't... Maybeー maybe I just thought you would understand what it feels... to be left alone."

"Well, I do now; mission accomplished." He was tempted to leave now and show Kaminari a scrap of what he had done to him, but he needed answers. Answers that were not supposed to make him feel better only to fail miserably. "Don't bullshit me," he snarled, closing his fist under his pockets. "Say it, you were planning to use my quirk, don't you? You expected to convince me of joining you?"

In an awkward movement, Kaminari was on his feet even before he finished his sentence. Spike maybe had had the idea of joining them, but Kaminari scared him off with his shriek.

"It's not like that!"

"Don'tー" Hitoshi gasped when he grabbed his shoulders. No matter how much he backed away, Kaminari insisted on having his hands on him.

"Look, I know you won't believe a word I sayーI don't deserve that anywayー, and this probably means nothing coming from me, but Iー I care about you, dude! I care about you the most!" He had been speaking in a hurry, so he stopped for an awful, endless second before continuing. "You... you are the only one I never wanted to hurt. You are my best friend, and even if I can't think of anything I can do to make you forgive me..." His grip on the fabric of the jacket tightened. "Please... Please, Shinsou, you can't hate me. Not _you_, not..."

"This is not about me, you asshole!" Hitoshi shouted. His back was now pressed against the wall, but even if he was trapped by Kaminari, he was not scared. There was a sense of safety and comfort that lingered when he was around Kaminari. False, he knew. "You didn't betray _me_! Your classmates must feel even more hurt than I am, so don't come apologizing to me! Just what the fuck do you want me to do, Kaminari? Forgive you and just forget about the fucking liar you are?"

"Shinsouー"

Hitoshi then didn't mean to brainwash Kaminari. Not really. Especially when the expression that crossed his face before it went blank was so pained, so heavy, so fucking dark. The contrast was overwhelming.

He frowned at Kaminari's hollow eyes. He was still holding him, but his arm would drop as soon as Hitoshi shook it off. There was something familiar yet bloodcurdling in this. He rarely used his quirk with Kaminariーwith anyone, actually, but Kaminari was a different thing: he never took any measures when he talked to him. Even when they were arguing and the risk of being controlled increased, he replied to all his questions. Hitoshi used to think he was just a careless idiot, but now he thought it was... kind. He couldn't come up with anything better than kind.

And that was not the only good thing he did for him. He showed him this place; "I have come here every day for, like, four months now. It will be nice to have someone else to chat besides that rude cat," he had said. Sometimes he would look at his shoes, laugh and say he would buy him a new pair for his birthday. His birthday was less than a month away, and he would never admit it, but he had been looking forward to it.

After a deep, steady breath, he took a moment to assess where he was now, with whom he was now, what he could do now. A lot of possibilities, but they would lead to the same thing, eventually. 'Go to the police', it was that easy. As easy as frustrating. As frustrating as unlikely.

As much as he tried, he couldn't do it. He couldn't bring himself to hate Kaminari, let alone he couldn't being _absurdly_ in love with him.

"Kiss me."

There was an embarrassing moment when he believed he was going to refuse, and it was a mild surprise when Kaminari leaned forward and pressed their lips together. He put zero effort on it, just parting his lips slightlyーthey were cold and soft, and the kiss was awful, to be honest. It left a nasty aftertaste which would remind Hitoshi what a sick bastard he was for hoursーno, for months.

This same idea had been in his head for months. As soon as he had figured out his feelings for Kaminari, he had been yearning for a kiss. A single kiss, just to know how much it hurt knowing it would be the only one. Sometimes Kaminari joked about dating him, and it made Hitoshi think that if he did this it wouldn't be _that_ bad.

It was bad, it was wrong, and still, he couldn't make it stop. And so, he did the first thing that came to his mind: he punched Kaminari right in the guts.

He wasn't having the best ideas today, right?

"Fuck!" he gasped as he bent over for the pain. One hand was pressed against the wall and the other still held to Hitoshi's jacket not to fall down.

He was as trapped as before (in fact, now he had it easier to run away), but his body went frozen, entranced by the way Kaminari caught his breath and glanced at him through hooded in an indecipherable way. Then, his quivering hand found its way to Hitoshi's shoulder and used it to straighten upright.

Their mouths met for the second time. Kaminari moved eagerly, hungrily, and even if Hitoshi did everything he could to keep up, he turned out to be chaotic and uncoordinated against Kaminari's skilled lips. Hitoshi's hands roamed through his friend's back and hair. He still despised the brown color, but with his eyes closed, he could only register how cool and frizzy it was to the touch and that it smelt like pineapple and that it was utterly intoxicating. Then he did this amazing thing when he let out a moan from his throat and Hitoshi felt the vibration, and a tickle all over his spine that came with it.

Too soonーtoo goddamn soonー, Kaminari pulled away.

"I have to go," he breathed. They were still inches away and could feel each other panting.

His foreheads bumped and Hitoshi put his hands on Kaminari's hips. "Don't. Don't go yet."

He let out a sour chuckle and rested his head on Hitoshi's shoulder. "If you ask me in that voice again, I might even do it."

Hitoshi didn't know how his voice had sounded, but if he did, he probably would have used it forever. Now, he just swallowed down and let his body melt within Kaminari's embrace. He was a great huggerーhis body was warm and charged with static electricity, he knew how to move his hands and he always smelt amazing.

"I can't stay here, you know that," he murmured against his shoulder. Hitoshi gritted his teeth; _of course_ he knew that, but he didn't have to be reminded every minute. "You know what the shame is, though?" He turned his head around, just so Hitoshi could be aware of his smirk. "All this time I could have been kissing your pretty face instead of just low-key joking about it."

Hitoshi's face heated up at the comment, and his stomach twirled with something he couldn't describe. It was not attraction or self-consciousness as well, far from it. This came from Kaminari talking such in a casual way; not that Hitoshi wasn't used to that, but for the time being he had subconsciously detached the two sides of Kaminari: one was Denki Kaminari, his best friend, the guy for whom he had been pining for a year now; the other was Denki Kaminari, the traitor, the cold and heartless son of a bitch that had lied to him. It was complicated when those two parts blended in his head.

"Low-key," he snorted before thinking about it.

Kaminari pouted and gave his hand a squeeze as soon as he had intertwined their fingers. "Shut up, you love it."

Hitoshi gave a tiny grin. "Sure."

He thought about those times when Kaminari would tell him about his latest crush. When they rejected him (which happened more often than Kaminari would ever admit), many times Kaminari had complained to him saying, "Man, I should date you." Hitoshi never thought of it as a serious proposition, of course. That's why the 'yes, you should' never left his mouth. Now it didn't feel right not saying it.

The silence didn't feel right, either. They both hated it. How could someone go from spending together hours without saying a word to feeling each mute second like a burning needle to the heart? The fact that they had to say something was discouraging per se, but then Hitoshi found out he did not know what the hell he was supposed to say now. Maybe something like: "I do love when you do that. I love you, period. Let's kiss again."

Maybe that was... too subtle.

"You know," he finally said with a hoarse voice, before clearing his throat, "I've been accepted into the hero course."

Kaminari leapt away. He had round eyes and the hugest fucking smile he had in his repertoireーthe one that always made Hitoshi think 'you really should date me'. Kaminari congratulated him, again and again, saying he deserved it, telling him in eight different ways just how happy he was for him. Hitoshi couldn't do anything but stare, because it was _unfair_. Things would be simple now if he had never met Kaminari, or at least if he had been able to keep his damned feelings at bay. Now, he couldn't even begin to cope with the fact that he was supposed to get over this anytime soon.

If he were a little bit crazier, Hitoshi would have gone with him no matter where.

When Kaminari's mouth went dry and he ran off of words, he sighed and kissed Hitoshi again. This time he did lean into the touchーjust because his lips were warm now and Kaminari was really good at kissing and, truth be told, he wanted him to shut up.

(Truth be told, had Kaminari asked for it, he actually would have gone with him.)

A few seconds into the kiss and Hitoshi felt Kaminari moving irregularly against him. He was shaking. He gently shoved him away, and he didn't stop shaking. Slowly, he kneeled down and grasped the pavement.

Kaminari was like a magnet, he never failed to drag Hitoshi down with him. A lot of nights on the floor of Kaminari's dorm room with an arm around his trembling shoulders came to his mind. It was as unfamiliar as uncomfortably strange. But then again, everything so far had been like that.

He didn't ask him what was wrong; he knew it. Perhaps he had put too much effort into tricking himself into believing that Kaminari was the bad guy everyone thought he was, because reality hit him so hard it nearly took his breath away.

Kaminari was not a villain. He was just an unlucky, scared and sad boy.

His voice came out broken and weak, just the way it made it painful to listen. "You know, I thought I was ready for this. I thought... I thought I wouldn't care, butー _Fuck_." He sniffed and pressed his hands against his wet eyes. "This is bullshit. I can't be a villain, I can't be a hero. I can't be _myself_. The worst part is that I'm going to be missing people who now hate my guts with all their heart."

"They don't hate you," Hitoshi murmured. Kaminari just responded with a bitter chuckle because, of course, he wasn't buying that shit. Hitoshi wouldn't either. They did hate him. Bakugou's imaginative suggestions of how he could murder Kaminari would keep him up for months. But what he could say? He wasn't about to give him false hopes, or saying he understood him. Hell, he couldn't even say he forgave him entirely yet.

Actually, there was just one thing he could say that was not a lie:

"I don't hate you."

Kaminari glanced at him and blinked, some tears falling from his faint eyes. He wasn't smiling, but Hitoshi believed he would be if the situation were literally any other. Instead, he pushed Hitoshi smoothly against the wall and then he curled himself next to him, his head resting on his friend's chest. Hitoshi was on a point where he had no idea whether his heartbeat was dead or a complete mess, but whatever the case, it seemed to soothe Kaminari down, as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Hey, can you do me a favor?" Kaminari asked him when he began to mindlessly ruffle his awful brown hair.

"Hm?"

Kaminari sniffed and made himself comfortable once again. "Can you brainwash me again? It feels nice when my head is that quiet."

There was some silence then. Hitoshi never stopped his movements and he never stopped looking at the naked wall in front of them.

"It... it does?"

Kaminari nodded, and after a sigh, he hooked an arm around Hitoshi's torso.

"Thanks."

The embrace had been to make sure Hitoshi was not going anywhereーnot that he needed it. He didn't have anywhere else to go, anyway. His routine had just been murdered and buried, and this was the funeral. Tomorrow he would grieve, he would cry and perhaps he would punch someone else in the face because that felt great.

But for now, he would just inhale the pineapple scent and hold that boy's hand until he learned how to let go.


End file.
